Its funny how you can post a fairly happy post first thing in the morning, but by lunch time everything has turned into a proper disaster. Oscar seems to have taken an alergic reaction to something unknown and the fact that he was up half the night scratching and crying had caught up with both of us by mid morning yesterday. I had to take his birth certificate to the Doctors surgery to complete his registration and I hunted high and low, ripping the place apart looking for it. I was tearful by lunchtime when Duncan text to say he had it in his bag at work. I will skip over my thoughts on that for the sake of common decency but it ended alright when Duncan met us at the Doctors surgery with the certificate.
I know that my cycle is still all over the place since losing the baby (four and a half months, I thought it would be settled by now), and so my hormones are playing havoc with my moods. I also suspect that I have anemia again with the same underlying cause.
After we had been to the Doctors I went to Marks and Spencer and bought bread and bacon (I don't buy either very often), and we came home and had bacon sandwiches, it felt like a real treat.
I was determined that today wouldn't go the same way as yesterday, but a missing boot which meant I had to change my skirt to trousers almost took me down the same teary path. The boot is still missing (we still have boxes to unpack in our room), but we got out on time and it wasn't too stressful.
On the plus side, I managed to make some treats, now known as Smash-mal cake. With a bit with no mallow for me because I cant stand marshmallows. I finished knitting my hat and I quite like it. RAVELRY LINK. And we also managed our first Autumn crafting, Moody Pumpkins. Moody Pumpkin Tutorial HERE
I think its normal to sink and swim when you have suffered a loss, but it still comes as a shock. I had to fight back hot tears on the way home today because a bedroom door sign for the name 'Ellie' caught my eye in a shop window. From that fleeting glance I found myself wondering if I would ever see my dead baby again. It seems a ridiculous leap to make but in a second I had thought, 'no need to buy a door sign because there isnt a door, because there isnt a baby, because she died, and I dont really know where she is, maybe she is behind a door someplace, I wonder if I will ever see her again, I wonder if a door will open when I die and the babies I never met will be there.' (we have lost 4 babies). They tell me its normal, but what a weird and screwed up normal it is. I think I'm the moody pumpkin right now.
Valerie
xxx
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