Wednesday 31 October 2012

Day 31 - The End Of The Project - Ending Baby-loss Awareness Month with a sunset.


Unfortunately there isn't always a sunset guaranteed here on the East Coast of Scotland. But Oscar, Duncan and I braved the wind and the rain and ventured out onto the pier at the time sunset should have occurred.


Thank you so much everyone, for your kind words and comments and for sticking with me through 31 Days of baby-loss awareness.


 



Day 31
Valerie


xxx



Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see!


 


 



Day 30
Valerie


xxx



Monday 29 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


Day 29 - Share a piece of music which reminds you of your baby


I first heard this version when I was pregnant with my older son. I think it is the song that reminds me of the dreamy time of pregnancy when you daydream about the future. I heard it again shortly after we lost Ellie Rose and it made me happy and sad at the same time.



Valerie


xxx



Sunday 28 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


Capture Your Grief this October 2012 for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month


Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.


This is a blog post I wrote back in May this year, right after Ellie Rose was gone. In amongst some truly awful memories, this one also stands out.


"


Before Ellie Rose died, and I know that for sure because we had an ultrasound after, I had a dream. In the dream Duncan and I were walking through our town centre. The town centre has been hugely modernised lately, but in the dream it was the town centre of my childhood. It looked exactly as it did in the 1970s.  I was carrying our baby in my arms in the dream, I don't know if she was dead or alive, but she was wrapped in a hospital towel instead of a blanket. Duncan was walking ahead and making me hurry because he was late for work and stressing about it. I kept saying we had to find a shop to buy the baby a blanket because she was born too soon and we didn't even have a blanket to wrap her in. (yes the baby was a 'she' in the dream).


For the rest of my life I will never know if my body had sent my mind a signal of what was unfolding, or if this was a natural pregnancy anxiety dream. Some days I wonder if I will find out the answer after my life.


I cast on a pure wool blanket a few days later and kept it safely for the baby. I figured that since she was ok (heart beating at the ultrasound following the dream), I was being silly making it so early.


When we brought Ellie home she was in a little white box. When we went to bed on the first night Duncan wrapped the box in the blanket and brought her to our bedroom.


That's all I have to say about it really."


 


Day 28
Valerie


xxx



Saturday 27 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.


I have recently hung a canvas print from Gustav Klimt, Mother and Child detail, from The Three Ages Of Woman. Having lost 4 babies  over the last 2 years I have felt very disconnected and afraid of my fertility. I am 42 now and the fear that the choice to end my procreative period of life isn't my own conscious one is quite terrifying.  


The full painting (not as popular as the detail) can be seen HERE and shows the young female child being held by the mother with the crone standing beside them, hovering I speculate? 


I guess its quite symbolic of my current mood, although I have always liked the detail, since I looked at Klimt's work when I was at art school (many many moons ago).


 


Mother and Child detail from The Three Ages of Woman



Friday 26 October 2012

 Baby, fetus at 14 weeks - BabyCenter





There is no day 25 because we dont really do baby showers here in Scotland, and no one gives gifts early in a pregnancy.

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

14 weeks

Valerie

xxx


Wednesday 24 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.


Because no matter how old they are, they will always be my babies.


 


Day 24



Valerie


xxx



Tuesday 23 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.


Ellie Rose


The only ultrasound photo we managed to get was this very early one at about 6/7 weeks. I had bleeding in my uterus the next few scans we had so I did not ask for pictures. I guess I regret it now, because this one picture with a tiny baby with a tiny heartbeat is so precious to us now.


 


Day 23
Valerie


xxx



Monday 22 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.


Ellie Rose was delivered in Ninewells Hospital, Dundee, Scotland. We knew that she had died the week 


before but waited one week before I was induced (to try and prepare).

The midwives in the unit were fantastic and cared for us so well. The photo is something I really wanted other parents to know about. I am not sure how things work in other places, but if your baby is delivered in the UK before 24 weeks there is no birth certificate and no death certificate, its as if they never existed.

It is possible that your hospital will give you a certificate of delivery (like ours in the picture), signed by your midwife or the nurse in charge of the suite. Most hospitals wont offer them automatically for early loss you have to ask for one. We were advised by the Miscarriage Association that we should ask for one if that is what we wanted. The Miscarriage Association provides blank certificates to hospitals if they do not have their own.

 


Day 22
Valerie


xxx



Sunday 21 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Special Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.


The fireplace in the bedroom at the bottom of our bed. 


 


Day 21
Valerie


xxx



Saturday 20 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!


I cannot praise the Miscarriage Association enough for the help and support we recieved, especially prior to delivery. They answered all my questions in a kind and patient manner and they also advised us on a few delicate issues which we would not have asked about (for instance, most hospitals wont call your baby a baby at early gestation unless you specifically ask them to).  They also gave us invaluable advise on burial and cremation in the UK. The Miscarriage Association asked to link to the page on my blog where I desctibe the day Ellie Rose was delivered, they said it was one of the most helpful pieces they had read. 


Miscarriage Association Link


Our Delivery Story




Friday 19 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.


Upon Butterfly Wings


Upon Butterfly Wings is a voluntary not-for-profit UK organisation, which provide support to parents whose babies who have sadly died either in early miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth or during the neonatal period, right across the UK. Upon Butterfly Wings supply hospitals and funeral directors with premature to full term handmade baby blankets, teddies and toys, burial clothing, buntings, specially designed wraps and pockets, handmade cribs, pre-loved wicker moses baskets and casket linings. UBW also provide 'Care Packages' direct to newly bereaved parents in time for baby's burial or to take to the hospital if it is known the baby will be born sleeping. They are always in need of volunteers who want to help make a difference.


LINK - UPON BUTTERFLY WINGS




Day 19 - Project
Valerie


xxx



Thursday 18 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?


Unfortunately it is proving very difficult to get everyone in the same room at the same time for a photograph. I guess its easier when all your children still live at home. So for this part of the project, one of my quick sketches will have to suffice. Ellie's Rosie Rabbit is in the middle.


 


Day 18
Valerie


xxx



Wednesday 17 October 2012

 Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?


Our baby's due date, it literally days away (although my 3 living babies were all born well past their due dates). We havent decided how we will mark the day. I dont think of it as her birthday, to me that is the day she was delivered.



Day 17

Valerie


xxx



Tuesday 16 October 2012

Capturing Your Grief - Project Heal - Link


 


Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.


Two Pink Balloons and two pink lanterns - one each from my husband and myself.


 



Day 16

Day 16


 



Day 16

Day 16

Day 16


 



Day 16

Day 16


Valerie


xxx



Monday 15 October 2012

 


October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. LINK


7:00pm - Scotland (UK) - In memory of the precious baby we lost - Ellie Rose - 27/04/12 - And also each and every little soul gone too soon. xxx


 



Day 15 - Wave Of Light

Day 15 - Wave Of Light

Day 15 - Wave Of Light
Valerie


xxx



Sunday 14 October 2012

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.


I have to be honest here and say none. I guess I have been fairly reclusive since losing the baby. At first I was afraid of people asking when the baby was due/or about the pregnancy and then we moved to a new area and I am not involved with any groups. I have been to church here but it didn't suit me so I guess I am missing my old church which is too far away now. I am still thinking things over and I may try another church near out new home.


 


Day 14
Valerie


xxx



Saturday 13 October 2012

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.


Well, this is a funny one. I do believe in signs, but then at the same time I cant help but counterbalance with the logic. When I saw this day back at the start I had intended to show you a photo of a painting I have hanging on my wall. The painting belonged to my Grandma Rose and is of a little girl crying (from famous artist Giovanni Bragolin of the 'Cursed Crying Boy' fame). The painting fell off the wall 3 times after I lost Ellie Rose, and just for a moment I wondered if it was a 'sign'.  But then something else happened a few days ago. On Capturing Grief Day 10 I had acknowledged for the first time that a pink rose is the symbol I associated most with my baby, simply because we named her Ellie Rose. After I had put the post up I had to go out. Imagine my surprise when I went out my front door and saw this sitting on the wall outside my front door, (we don't have roses in our garden).


 


Day 13
Valerie


xxx



October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!


When I was pregnant and trying to take things easy I went a bit over board with lavender oil and lavender scented bath products, because it is known to be relaxing. I even have a huge bag of dried lavender (from France). Unfortunately since losing Ellie Rose, when ever I smell lavender it reminds me of those awful days when things were going wrong and I was desperately trying to hold on to my baby. I have been replacing everything with rose scented products ever since. (if anyone is in the market for a large bag of dried lavender and an almost full bottle of Yardley  English Lavender, do let me know lol).



Day 12 scent
Valerie


xxx



Thursday 11 October 2012

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?


Really, the people who have been there for me are my husband, and without even knowing it, my little 3 year old son.


My older children have given as much help as they could and I have received many words of comfort from strangers who have become 'internet friends' through blogging, and lots of messages on FB from old friends, and the lovely Jeanette sent me a beautiful parcel of precious things, and all of these were so very much appreciated.  As many other mothers have said before me, no acknowledgement of your loss is the worst thing ever.


But it has been Duncan there day and night holding my hand and drying my tears, even though I know he was hurting too. And it has been Oscar who has been the sunshine on my darkest days.


 



Day 11 - Support
Valerie


xxx



Wednesday 10 October 2012

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.


In the large and heartbreaking world of baby-loss, symbols do seem to appropriate themselves, with the most popular ones being angels, doves, butterflies and fairies, (as far as I can tell). For those of you who know me, you will know that I am terrified of birds, and therefore have a general dislike for most winged things (except possibly fairies).  Ellie Rose was partly named after my Grandma Rose, and the Rose part is an important part of her name and so it just developed that a pink Rose would be the symbol I would associate with my baby.


 



Symbol
Valerie


xxx



Tuesday 9 October 2012

Gratitude

I have had a lot of stress lately and if truth be told its starting to take its toll. Since finding out I was not having the happy pregnancy I hoped for back in April I have had the loss of the baby, the worry about Oscar's heart, my own medical fall out after miscarriage and the stress of moving house (and it's financial implications) to deal with.  I am trying to move into a healing phase right now, both physically and emotionally. Acknowledging the things I am grateful for goes a long way to aid with this. So today I am grateful for


A Bag Of Trains Given By A Relative


(To add to the collection)


 


Gratitude
Play Doh - Shop Bought Or Home Made


 



Gratitude
The fact that some things never change - I think this ride has been there since I was Oscar's age


 


Gratitude
Silliness - Never to be underestimated


 


Gratitude
Other People's Children - Thanks to Kat's Son Ellis For the web idea


 


Gratitude
And for my husband who has the patience with me to allow me to change This


 


Gratitude
To THIS


 


Gratitude
What are you grateful for?


Valerie


xxx



October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month
LINK


Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.


I don't suppose I have a special place, because I am really a stay at home kind of person. Ellie's ashes are at home and that's where I like them.


Before during and after losing her though I spent quite a bit of time in my bedroom and the view from my old bedroom was of the river. I find looking at the sky and the water very peaceful and it leaves you plenty of room to be contemplative or equally to think of very little. We have moved house now and I miss my bedroom view, but the up side is, we are only 5 minutes away from the beach. 


So I would say that yes, being near the river brings me peace.


A Special Place



Valerie


xxx



Monday 8 October 2012

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!


I originally had a little locket with a rose on it, but it didn't sit well with me for some reason. Maybe its because I don't have a lock of hair or a even a tiny photo to put it? So I decided to look for something else. I have always worn crosses and a couple of my favourite necklaces are crosses (and Duncan wears one too). When I saw this little cross with a rose entwined on it, I knew this was the perfect piece of jewellery to remind me of Ellie Rose. My Dad found comfort in his cross in the weeks before he died and so it reminds me to have faith that my Dad and my lost babies are together.


 


Day 8 Jewellery


Valerie


xxx



Sunday 7 October 2012

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it down – photograph it.


My universal tip would be - If you don't know what to say - "I am sorry for your loss, would you like to tell me about him/her" Its much easier than trying to navigate the potential minefield of wrong things to say. On a personal level though, I have this message for my friends and family (you know which ones you are).


 


what to say

Valerie

xxx



Saturday 6 October 2012

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.


Since we first knew the pregnancy was in difficulty I have heard all manner of awful things said to myself and other women (and men) in our position. Some things have made me upset and some have shocked me. It was difficult to choose one thing to write down, so here are few others as well - "Ah well, at least you weren't further along" - "It wasn't planned anyway though was it" - "It would probably have been deformed" - You are too old for babies" - "You are too young for babies" - "You can always try again" - "At least you have other children" - "It's God's way of weeding out the weak" - "It wasn't really a baby yet". 


NONE OF THESE THINGS WILL TAKE THE PAIN OF LOSING A BABY AWAY - And neither will -


What not to say

Valerie


xxx



Friday 5 October 2012

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.


We had some of Ellie Rose's ashes placed under a rose bush for the garden. We knew we would be moving house (which we have done now) so we opted for a potted rose rather planting strraight into the ground. We don't have much space in the new garden but we have tried to pretty it up the best we can.


 


Ellie Rose Garden




Ellie Rose Garden

Ellie Rose Garden


Photos From The Old Garden HERE


Valerie


xxx



Thursday 4 October 2012

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.


 



Ellie Rose - Casket
We had a private cremation for Ellie Rose, although the hospital offered to do it (they do a mass cremation for the babies who do not survive beyond 24 weeks of pregnancy should the parents wish it). We had a sprinkle of her ashes put into a flower pot which now holds a Rose bush in the garden, and another sprinkle was put into a satin bag, kept here in the box/casket in the picture. We keep her casket on the fireplace mantel at the foot of our bed. 


Valerie


xxx



Wednesday 3 October 2012

 Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss.


Day 3 After Loss


This is me sitting on my bed on Friday 27th April. We were waiting for my Mum to arrive to take care of Oscar before we left for the hospital, for induction/medical management of miscarriage. We knew that the baby had already died but she was still inside me and as sad as it is I wanted one last photo. I couldnt look at the camera, but I am glad I have this photo anyway, even if she was already gone.


Valerie


xxx



Tuesday 2 October 2012

'Share A Photo Of You Before Your Loss'


 


Before



This photo was taken back in March when I was a teeny tiny bit pregnant, but not even aware of it yet. Since we were 'trying' for a baby I was hoping I was pregnant. If I was to give this a title I would call it 'Unaware'


Valerie


xxx



Monday 1 October 2012

October is Infant loss awareness month, so I will be taking part in Carly Marie's 'Capturing Your Grief This October 2012 for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'


Carly Marie


Please visit Carly's website for more details CARLY MARIE PROJECT HEAL


DAY 1 - Sunrise


 


1