Thursday 31 May 2012

Paranoid?

Or maybe not. I am not sure which order to put this in so I will start in the middle then work back and forwards. Last year I noticed Oscar was tired a lot, I mean A LOT, but he was dropping his afternoon nap and I was sure this had some relevance (I still do really). Then the clocks changes in October and then the days were dark and depressing, then Christmas and New Year and all of these things can interfere with sleep patterns. 


 


So, skipping back to 1969, when I was born. Just after I was born, my Mum was holding me and I turned blue and floppy. Mum yelled for a nurse who gave me a thump on back (charming), said it was gas, and passed me back. My colour went back to normal and that was that. For the next 2 to 3 years my Mum kept saying, 'there is something wrong with her, she is just so tired all the time'. I was also prone to bugs, and infections and had a poor appetite. The Docs kept telling my parents there was nothing wrong with me and it even went so far as a note being left in my medical notes saying, 'Valerie has a first time over anxious mother'. My parents persisted and waited until I was perfectly 'healthy', no bugs, infections or sore throats to cloud the issue and then took me back to the Doctor and said 'NOW check her again'. And that time they found a heart defect. When I was 3 1/2  my heart murmur was corrected with surgery. It took many years for my parents to see any real improvement in my health, and in all honesty I have remained a fairly easily tired person my whole life.


 


In 2009, Oscar was born extremely quickly after an extremely difficult labour, and he was (and is) beautiful and perfect and he gazed into my eyes as soon as I held him, and then they cut the cord (Duncan had declined) and Oscar turned blue and floppy. The midwife grabbed him from me and ran out of the room with him, even though I had specified that one of us was to stay with the baby at all times should any complications occur. What seemed like ages but was in fact just a few minutes later the midwife put her head around the door and said, don't worry he is pinking up nicely now he has some oxygen. We did talk about my heart defect several times and actually I had had medication to protect me in labour because of my heart. We were told his heart was absolutely fine.


 


Yesterday I went to my GP to discuss losing the baby and any follow ups I would need, but I had made a double appointment, one for me and one for Oscar. I was well aware that if I mentioned this ever increasing niggle I had about Oscar and his tiredness and both our birth histories, that the GP may well dismiss it as over anxiety due to losing a baby 5 weeks ago. Oscar was so tired yesterday that I had to pull the pushchair out from under the recycling boxes on the porch and take him to the Doctor in his pushchair (he was asleep by the time we got to the bus stop)., and really, this made me stick to my plan. 


To be fair, the Doctor did listen carefully to what I was saying and she did agree that there seemed a need for investigation (particularly when I told her that the nursery teacher had commented that nursery seemed to take a lot out of Oscar).  I am not sure why, but even though I had built this big picture up in my head, I still didn't expect her to agree with me. So, you can imagine how floored I was when she listened to Oscars heart for quite a few moments and then said 'actually I can hear 'something'. There is a definite whooshing sound in one of the chambers which may or may not be a murmur, or in fact the same defect that you had. FLOORED!  


Oscar is being referred to pediatric cardiology for testing and we are trying to remain calm and not let things get blown out of proportion. My underlying thoughts on it today are, thank goodness I pushed on and mentioned it, and if it is the same problem as mine, it is a life shortening condition without treatment but not a life threatening one with treatment. Mama's I would urge you to listen to your own hearts where your children are concerned, no pun intended.


 



 


p.s. my heart defect was a Patent Ductus Arteriosus


Valerie


xxx



Wednesday 23 May 2012

Just after Ellie's delivery, the most lovely online friend Jeanette emailed and asked if she could sent me a memory blanket. I knew that Jeanette made blankets for her local hospital (for the bereavement suite), and I was very touched that she thought of us. The blanket arrived a few days later and it was so soft and lovely. I have to admit I spilt a few tears on it, both for the act of kindness and also for my little baby who would never be wrapped in it.


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In a totally selfish way I suppose, I kept thinking that it must help to do something for someone else. I could imagine that being able to make something for another Mama would fulfil that need to do 'something', with regards to baby loss.


Two days ago I was reading some blogs when a link to a website caught my eye. The website is called Upon Butterfly Wings, and they send out packages to bereaved or soon to be bereaved parents (pregnant Mama's who know their baby will be born sleeping). The packs for soon to be and newly bereaved parents are free, and include, a blanket, 2 items of burial clothing, a small teddy, a small candle in an organza bag and an angel keepsake charm.  They also send out what they call a Butterfly Wings box which includes 8 different items (details on their site). The Butterfly Box costs £10 in the UK and £20 elsewhere, (postage included in that), but it is non profit and the money goes back into buying things for the scheme. 


They have a donations page and on this page they link to knitting, crochet and sewing patterns, free to download, and ask very humbly for donations.


This seemed like the perfect way for me to help someone else and so I cast on almost immediately.


If you think you would be able to make something for another baby who left the world too soon, I would urge you to take a look at the site.


Here are the links.


Upon Butterfly Wings and Patterns Link


Can I just say though, that the term angel is used quite a bit, and I know that upsets some parents who feel it detracts from the fact that their baby was a living breathing person, and not a wispy figment. I personally have no objections to this, but any baby loss parents reading this may wish to skip the site  it if they think it will offend.


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Angel Wraps - For babies up to 16 weeks gestation


Valerie


xxx


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Tuesday 22 May 2012

At the weekend, I really struggled. I feel like I should be moving on a bit from Ellie not making it, but at the same time I feel like I have jumped up running too fast. Duncan pointed out that it has only been 3 weeks since her delivery, and I am not even physically recovered yet. It seems much longer. I have been chastising myself for still being so tired most days, but I guess 3 weeks after losing a baby, its pretty normal. When I am at home I am mostly ok, mainly because I can take a moment to slip away. Being outside is a whole other matter. Taking Oscar to nursery was scary yesterday, and will probably continue to be scary. I emailed the nursery a while back saying I was on bed rest due to a difficult pregnancy and Oscar couldnt start his place just yet. After I lost the baby I emailed them a start date, but I didnt mention the baby. I didnt know what to say. Being overweight to begin with means that at 3 weeks post delivery I still look pregnant (although it is going down). I am scared witless one of the nursery staff will comment on my pregnancy in front of  everyone.  Yesterday there were 3 mums with new babies sitting in the row of chairs outside the classroom, waiting for their children. The best I could do is not make eye contact. But in my head, the words 'Oh no, I'm not pregnant, my baby died' were going round and round and round in my head.


Ditto in my art class last night, in between poses. I wonder how long this will go on for.


Anyway, the drawing was good. It is the only thing which is truly mine right now. There is only one class left this term and I have been pretty sad about it, but it looks like I may have found a tutored class on Saturday mornings, so hoorah.


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10 minutes each - artists ink pen


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 20 minutes - artists ink pen


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30 minutes - ink pen and water mixed acrylic paint


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20 minutes - conte soft pencil on blue paper


 


I have not been selective, this is the sum total of the class, some are better than others.


Valerie


xxx


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Monday 21 May 2012

Dye Day

Oscar LOVED doing this, so I can see many more dye days on the horizon.


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Sunday 20 May 2012

At The Art Show

Both Duncan and I attended our local art school and so each year we try to make it to the Degree show. In years gone by we would go to the opening night and drink the free wine and mingle with art crowd. Now we are 'old' (read, have a small child), we have to go during the day.


It is quite interesting taking a 3 year old to a graduate show, they have no preconceptions about what is good or bad and are quite happy to shout out their opinion. When we were walking away from one piece, a young couple passed us, and the girl turned to the guy and said 'yes, but what is it?' Oscar turned to her very sincerely and said, 'its a spiders web'.  I think you will be able to tell which piece he was talking about from the photos.


On our way to the School Of Art


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And On To The Work


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Oscar has no idea who Elvis is, so when this dude passed us about 20 times, Oscar didn't bat an eyelid, which was more amusing to me than if he had recognised the costume


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There was also a gold toilet on a stage, but the picture didn't turn out because it was in a dark spotlit room


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This is talking about my good friend Laura, it made her laugh when I sent her this picture


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Clearly not part of the show, but it sure brings back memories


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And that was about as much as Oscar could manage. Some of may favorite drawing and painting pieces aren't shown here, these are really the things Oscar liked. I will try and put together a post of my favorite pieces later in the week.


Details on the art school can be found HERE, and if you are in the area, the Degree show runs all this week, and it is well worth a look.


Valerie


xxx


 


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Saturday 19 May 2012

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Before Ellie Rose died, and I know that for sure because we had an ultrasound after, I had a dream. In the dream Duncan and I were walking through our town centre. The town centre has been hugely modernised lately, but in the dream it was the town centre of my childhood. It looked exactly as it did in the 1970s.  I was carrying our baby in my arms in the dream, I don't know if she was dead or alive, but she was wrapped in a hospital towel instead of a blanket. Duncan was walking ahead and making me hurry because he was late for work and stressing about it. I kept saying we had to find a shop to buy the baby a blanket because she was born too soon and we didn't even have a blanket to wrap her in. (yes the baby was a 'she' in the dream).


For the rest of my life I will never know if my body had sent my mind a signal of what was unfolding, or if this was a natural pregnancy anxiety dream. Some days I wonder if I will find out the answer after my life.


I cast on a pure wool blanket a few days later and kept it safely for the baby. I figured that since she was ok (heart beating at the ultrasound following the dream), I was being silly making it so early.


When we brought Ellie home she was in a little white box. When we went to bed on the first night Duncan wrapped the box in the blanket and brought her to our bedroom.


That's all I have to say about it really.


Valerie


xxx


 

There are tiny footprints
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all these tiny footprints
are found within your heart.
Even though I'm gone now
We'll never truly part.


 


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Friday 18 May 2012

I have had a few things on and off the pins this week, including a cap for Duncan (for gardening in the drizzly Scottish weather), a hat for a giveaway coming up soon, and numerous designs for my baby hat collection (deciding to sell hats has made me so picky about yarn colour and design, nearly there now though).


The thing that has meant the most to me though, is a little bunny I knitted for Ellie Rose. When I came home from the hospital after Ellie was delivered I knitted up a little white bunny to sit by her.  I wasn't very keen on it though, but it was all I could manage at the time. I have put that little bunny in her memory box and knitted up a new one. You can see the bunny in yesterdays post too. If you look closely you will see she is sitting on a little oak box, which has a little white satin bag inside with a little sprinkle of ashes in the bag from Ellie's cremation. I know it might freak some people out, but I am starting to get beyond worrying that other people will think I am morbid or crazy. Anyway, the bunny, who is nameless and may just always be Ellie's bunny, is keeping her company.


 


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Sadly, parents who have lost a baby will recognise the ribbon on her dress. For those of you who don't, its the Baby Loss Awareness ribbon, and you can purchase one HERE


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And so to the book this week.


Make Your Creative Dreams Real by Sark - Amazon Linky


 


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I am about half way through this and I still have not made my mind up yet. It has a strange style of narrative which claims to have a slightly hypnotic/subliminal message quality. I can sort of see how that might work. Duncan said he couldn't read this because it combines different font styles and sizes, often on the same line, and this would annoy him too much. This does not bother me too much. The problem I am having is that the book regularly gives the reader exercises to do there and then (i.e. write down all the things which you think block you reaching your goals). This is all well and good, but I tend to read in the last hour of my day (which is when I have peace and quiet to read), and so I cant be bothered to write out lists.  I think the bottom line is, its a good book but not really bed time reading.


I hope you all have a lovely weekend.


Valerie


xxx


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Thursday 17 May 2012

Inside And Out

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I don't have a lot to say today, possibly related to Oscar being up at 6am for the 3rd day in a row, and we are tired tired tired.


Valerie


xxx


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