Monday, 30 April 2012

I found this video on Saturday morning. I was quite sore when I woke up and after my pain meds had kicked in I wasn't up for much except sipping tea and reading blogs.  I often flick past videos by confident enthusiastic American people, because frankly it doesn't gel with my slightly droll and slightly reserved Scottish nature. For some reason I felt I wanted to hear what this lady had to say, and although she had the surgery to take her baby out and I had the drugs to birth our baby, my feelings and Dr G's match up pretty well. And not just on our personal loss, but for all the women who don't or cant tell others what they have been through or are going through. It may also help some of the people who are a bit at a loss as to why we brought Ellie Rose home.



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Friday, 27 April 2012

Born sleeping at 12.55pm

27th April 2012

A tiny baby girl

We have named her Ellie Rose, and brought her home for a private cremation.

To quote a quote (J)

One moonlight night, the fairies came flying in at the window and brought her such a pretty pair of wings that she could not help putting them on; and she flew with them out of the window, and over the land, and over the sea, and up through the clouds.

The Water Babies, by Charles Kingsley

Born sleeping at 12.55pm

27th April 2012

A tiny baby girl

We have named her Ellie Rose, and brought her home for a private cremation.


To quote a quote (J)

One moonlight night, the fairies came flying in at the window and brought her such a pretty pair of wings that she could not help putting them on; and she flew with them out of the window, and over the land, and over the sea, and up through the clouds.

The Water Babies, by Charles Kingsley

Wednesday, 25 April 2012


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I go for the first part of my 'treatment' tomorrow which involves the taking of the drug Mifepristone (INFO HERE), so for now its just good to get through the day with ordinary things. And I am so thankful that I have my small boy to take my mind off it.


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Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Babies I CAN   COPE  WITH,  after all, whats it all about if you don't have a reminder of why its actually worth it. Pregnant ladies, NOT  SO  MUCH, I am not jealous, or wishing anyone's baby away, its just too hard right now, to feel so pregnant without a baby to look forward to.  So while I have been avoiding some blogs I am trying to fill my time in other ways.

I am still having morning sickness, and in fact, yesterday was really bad. I had heard that overpowering morning sickness is a 'good' sign, but I know better now don't I. Its difficult to accept though I have to say. Duncan said it so succinctly last night when he said , 'we have been hanging on to hope for so many weeks, its difficult to let go'. And that's it in a nutshell.

I have joined the Miscarriage Association, and been on the forums there, and I have received some good advise regarding the weekend. It was only recently that I discovered (in my ignorance), that babies past 8 weeks gestation can be delivered tiny but whole. I had pushed that thought away because when you are trying for a baby or just pregnant you don't want to think about it. Now I know what to expect thanks to a lovely online friend and the forum ladies, I don't feel so unsure ( still terrified though). We have also received some emails from The Miscarriage Association regarding our options for the baby after delivery.

Anyway, I have been in the kitchen cooking, both with Oscar and by myself.

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Oscar's cakes : Jane Asher cupcake kit


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The long awaited {chocolate and lavender pie}

Which I couldn't eat because every time I smell it I want to heave, which is no reflection on the pie because Oscar and Aimee say its YUM.


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Blueberry Cookies - I managed to eat these

Meanwhile, Duncan is still making the daily loaf

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And Oscar is eating everything which comes out of the kitchen


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I have also made up a really fast and easy hat pattern.


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Sorry about the seriously dodgy photo's, here is a better one


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James C Brett Aran yarn in Monsoon

I am making another slight variation (I have Game Of Thrones to watch in bed and a tub of pringles to keep my knitting company tonight). I may get around to publishing it as a free pattern, maybe.

And finally, I have made this tiny white baby blanket in pure wool. I don't want to say too much about that at the moment, but it felt good to do something practical/physical.


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Sunday, 22 April 2012



I can tell that most people don't really know what to say to me right now. I understand it really. Duncan and I have sat looking at each other and been at a loss for words some times.

A few weeks ago, someone told me a story about their friend who's baby had died in pregnancy. The mother was 'horrified she had been going around with a dead baby inside her for weeks'. I can only assume that the person telling me this story thought at the time our baby was going to be ok. The point is though, its not quite like that (for me).

I bleed 6 to 8 hours in a 24 hour period (usually between 3pm and 11pm, I don't know why). The rest of the time I have normal pregnancy symptoms, morning sickness, tender breasts, sensitive to smells etc. I have a round pregnant looking tummy. The midwife told me on Thursday that the sac the baby is in is still growing (at normal size), and my hormones are still increasing, so in effect my body doesn't know yet that the baby has died.

On the one hand, its difficult to believe the baby has gone because I feel exactly the same. On the other hand, its giving me time to get used to the idea that the baby has gone even though the pregnancy isn't over.

I have scoured the internet for help and advice, particularly on what is to come, and what our options are for the baby after he/she has been born. The advise is out there, but its hard to find, and that is why I have decided to blog about this. Someone in my situation may find this blog and find it helpful.

I was able to email a lovely lady who has been through a similar situation and she has very kindly answered some of my questions. It has been a help, because unless you have been in this situation it is difficult to know what is ok or not ok to say about it.

I will put the word (loss) in my post titles relating to this subject, to give people the option to skip it completely.

Meanwhile, life around me goes on as normal. The laundry needs done, I have my lavender and chocolate to bake a cake, Oscar is up to mischief, and Duncan and I hold each other tenderly.



Thank you ALL for the kind comments and emails, it means so much to me to know other people are caring and thinking of us.





Thursday, 19 April 2012

We had our scan today, and although I am still carrying the baby, he or she has not grown since last week. The scan was difficult to see, but there is no hope that the baby has made it. We opted to wait another week for Medical Management OM. Things may happen on their own before next Friday, but the midwife seemed doubtful. We are still trying to process this sad news, and don't have much else to say about it at the moment.




Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Dear Oscar Casey



I am afraid I have not been a very attentive Mummy lately.  I know you know 'something' is up, but you are far too little to grasp the situation. You have accompanied Mummy to the hospital every week for the last 4 weeks without a word of complaint. You have been very accepting that we haven't been anyplace else but the hospital.  We have had a lot of this


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lately, which isn't good for 3 year old boys who are stuck at home. Somehow though, you are managing to amuse yourself.


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I promise things will change soon, and Mummy will get you to your new nursery as soon as she can.

In the mean time, I want to thank you for being such a wonderful little boy (with a special mention for offering to kiss my sore head away last night).

We count our blessings every day, and you are chief amongst them.


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Love Always





Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Comfort Zone


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I haven't managed any baking in the last few weeks, but I guess it was only a matter of time, and when I saw a recipe involving banana's, muesli and lemon icing, that was my motivation to do a bit of baking last night. Morning sickness or not, cakes are always within my remit.

Banana & muesli slice


100g butter

¾ cup firmly packed raw caster sugar

1 cup self-raising flour

½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 ½ cups full fruit muesli

2 large bananas, mashed

Lemon glace icing

1 ¼ cups icing sugar mixture

2 tablespoons lemon juice


1. Preheat oven to 180C or 160C fan. Grease and line a 19 x 29cm slice pan with baking paper, extending 5cm over each long side.

2. Beat butter and sugar in a small bowl with an electric mixer until combined. Stir in sifted flour and cinnamon, muesli and bananas. Spread mixture evenly over base of prepared pan.

3. Bake for 30 minutes or until firm. Stand at room temperature until cold enough to ice.

4. To make lemon glace icing, sift icing sugar mixture into a bowl then slowly stir in enough juice to form a paste. Spread icing over slice and sprinkle with a little extra cinnamon if desired. 



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And on to my other favorite thing, knitting baby things. As much as I would like to knit for myself right now, its just not a good idea. But I do love knitting little teeny things, so I have decided to knit some little hats and booties to sell on Etsy. I have never tried selling anything before, but I certainly have the time right now to give it a go. And since I have been spending WAY too much on Ebay lately, I wouldn't mind recouping some cash.

The prototypes

Newborn Hat

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Newborn Booties

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How cute and titchy are they? I have made a 0-3 months set in cream too and I am trying different colour ways right now.

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Right, back to knitting on the sofa and watching obsessively for the postman. Do you know I couldn't get any dried lavender with my grocery shop, so I had to order some on line. Why? Cake of course {chocolate lavender pie}




Monday, 16 April 2012

Typical Behavior?

I feel like I should apologise for another ramble about my precarious pregnancy, because if its not your pregnancy I suppose its fairly dull reading.

On the other hand, I may not be pregnant for very much longer, and there is a high incidence of this being my very last pregnancy, whether the outcome be good or bad. 

In some ways I have felt this is a shameful secret I have to keep, I am pregnant but its not going well, and heavens did I dare mention bleeding and baby-loss, how awful.

As far as I know, I am still pregnant today, and for that I am truely thankful. When I read THIS POST by Debs back in February I thought it was very brave of her to share her feelings. But as she says at the end of her post, its about time the stigma and shame and taboo was lifted from women in my/our situation.

Each night the bleeding stops. I spend most mornings thinking maybe that's it, the bleeding has stopped for good.  Around lunchtime each day, it starts again, I bleed until mid evening (sometimes spots, sometimes more), then it stops again until the next day. I don't know why, the midwife doesn't know why.

I have a right sided sharp pain which starts just before the bleeding each day and is there intermittently until the bleeding stops later at night. I don't know why. The midwife had a good look on the scan (at my ovary in particular) and cant see a reason for it.

Other than that...........

I have morning sickness (and evening sickness), and my boobs are tender and I am tired and sensitive to smells. Good signs? Not necessarily, it can take up to 4 weeks for pregnancy symptoms to go away after a pregnancy has ended. It can take up to 4 weeks for a woman's body to release the baby after it has died (sometimes longer). These are facts I wish I had never needed to know. My tummy is round and bloated and I look pregnant especially in the evenings.

We have had to switch back to the old and more comfortable double bed (boo-hoo goodbye superking size), because I cant get comfy.  In many ways,  I am exerting typical pregnancy behavior, and honestly I would put up with it day and night if it means our baby is going to make it.

We have planted Roses and violets in the garden and tomatoes in pots on the window ledges.  I have spent too much on Ebay (sofa bound ladies are a danger to themselves), and I have started knitting baby hats and booties to sell in order to recoup some of the money I have spent on Ebay (details soon). Oscar has been in the house out the house in the house out the house in time with the weather and frankly the little guy has been very accepting of things being what they are.  I don't watch all that much TV so I have been reading blogs and planning menu's (in my non sicky moments).

I don't cry all that much because I don't know whether I should be crying, it seems disloyal to cry right now, perhaps the little bean is in there doing away ok? What a complicated thing life is, new life being no exception. Is there such a thing as typical anyway.


The Past Week

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Anyone who has been in my situation (and I know quite a few people who have been reading this, have been), will know how difficult life is for us right now.  I am just over 2 months pregnant now, or am I? As I said to Duncan last night, the baby may have died already (since last Tuesdays scan), and we don't even know it. Or even worse, since I am still bleeding (and passing small clots occasionally), the baby may have passed out without my knowledge. I don't know if that is possible at 9 weeks, I would know wouldn't I? I don't know who can answer that question, or indeed the hundreds of other questions I/we have unanswered.

The midwife has booked a place on the ward for me for next Friday. That's in case the baby has died (scan on Thursday) and hasn't passed. I will get some pills and they will cut off the pregnancy hormones and start contractions. I understand that lingering would be very distressing but I don't know if I will be ready for bad news on Thursday and then say goodbye on Friday. The bed is booked so I have the option, sometimes there is a 2 week wait for the 'medical management of miscarriage'.

So that's where we are. I cant go out in case something happens when I am out. I shouldnt lift things or do exerting housework or take too hot baths or get stressed. I need to put off Oscar's nursery because he should start today and I cant take him (and there is no-one else to take him, and even if there was, it would be his first day today and thats my job).  I have back pain, period cramp-like pains some of the time and morning sickness the rest of the time, and I am so so tired. 

Its not the type of pregnancy updates I had hoped to be giving, but it is what it is.




Sunday, 15 April 2012

Saturday At Our Place


Mama's Hairpiece






It doesn't put him off though



How to stay warm in a hailstorm


Saturday Night For The Housebound


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Apply fake tan - Palmers Cocoa Butter Natural Tan

Dye Hair - Boots Semi Perm Hair Colour Ebony Black

Dye Eyebrows - Eylure Dylash Black


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Paint Nails - Zoya Nail Polish Shade Robyn


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Cook a big fat curry - Beef and sweet pepper with Sharwoods Goan Vindaloo


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Scoff some Pear Cider



Watch Some TV

And Crash Out asleep by 11pm