Sunday, 31 July 2011

For My Dad

Dear Daddy,

I want to wish you a happy birthday, and to tell you that even although its been 30 months since you left us so unexpectedly, we still miss you so much every day.  Since your last birthday, I guess it has become a little easier to accept you are not here any more, but in some ways its more difficult because the time since I last saw you last is greater.

I marvel at how big Oscar is getting every day, but then I also remeber that you died just 3 weeks before he was born and sadly you never knew each other. It makes me laugh though, that I told you, if the baby was a boy he would be called Oscar Casey (Casey being one of your middle names), and you said that would make him OC and you would call him Ozzy, man.  It makes me remember your funny fondness for the wild man Ozzy Osbourne.

I don't mark the passing of your death in January Dad, because it seems wrong to me to commemorate a day such as that. But the last 2 years I have laid out flowers for you on Gran and Grandad'a grave because you dont have one yourself. It seemed appropriate since it is Grandad's birthday today too. I cant do that this year. Sunday bus services from here to the city being what they are, I am afraid I wont make it to the cemetery. Tonight after dinner, when the house is all quite I will light a candle for you and have a wee glass of something in your honour.

I am sure that would be ok with you, you liked a wee drink on your birthday.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you.

Your girl




Last night was a rough one, this helped though, what will they think up next snooze link

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Our Favourite Children's Books


I have mentioned it before, but its worth saying again, we are HUGH Shirley Hughes book fans in this house, and I suppose at this age, Oscar reads (or is read to), the books we choose. Make no mistake though, he is quite vocal about things he doesnt like, and he chooses his own bedtime story from his little 'library'. Here are the favorite Shirley Hughes books which we have read.

Annie Rose is My Little Sister

Annie Rose is My Little Sister

Shirley Hughes

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

House Hunting At Home

Oscar and I took what is now known as the horror  ride (not to him, we are still trying to play it light and hope the travel sickness abates), into town, to see some potential properties. The pickings are slim, but I believe that's the same everywhere these days. One agent/owner didn't turn up at all, but he messaged to say he was a Judge or as they are called here in Scotland, or should I say, still, called here in Scotland, a Sheriff, and he was held up in court all day. Not sure I would want the sheriff as a landlord anyway.  I was totally depressed, which is my usual mood these days, mixed with stressed and panicked.

I bought a fast food lunch, a vegetarian one, but still, its not something I usually do, and tried to eat alfresco. No such luck. The pigeons were a flapping ratty nuisance, but when a seagull the size of a toddler showed up I scooped up a startled Oscar and made a break for it.  I may do a post on my fear of birds at another time.

Duncan cut out of work early to look at an unsuitable house with me and I became teary behind my sunglasses when the 3 people I thought may be able to give us a ride home turned out to be unavailable.

As I sat on the bus home, one eye on pale face (Oscar, and Duncan a bit actually), I was in real despair. Then  a funny thing happened, I saw us in a little period flat (apartment to any American blogger friends), in my most favorite part of the city (between the art school and the botanical gardens), and it suddenly seemed possible.  I expect there will be some talking behind my back and at the very least a few raised eyebrows if we move from a large house in a beautiful rural setting to a city flat. But that wouldn't be seeing it from my point of view. I just want to go home, and that isn't here.

Perth Road clouds, Dundee, Scotland.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

When You've Made A Terrible Mistake

©Sunrise in Sun Prairie

Well, isn't that a dramatic sky? It fits my current mood perfectly. I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a panic here lately and now I need to calm down and sort it out. Its all to do with this lovely house you see. The problem is, it isn't mine.

Oh on paper it is, my name is right there on the lease. But my things don't belong here, and I have been suspecting for the last week or so (grace period over), neither do I. I have spoken to Duncan and he is going to help me fix it. 'It' being, find a new house back in the city. Back in the 'cultural quarter' from hence we came. We lived there for 12 years. Then we moved to an estate (to have a garden and to be closer to my Mum), and then we moved here, a reactionary move from the estate.

Its frankly a mess. But the bottom line is, I cant stay here. I feel like I have had my holiday and its time to go home. My things look alien to me, the house isn't  'flowing' for me, and my child literally vomits every time I bring him home on the bus.

Turns out, I belong in the city. I have tried to like it here , really I have, but when you know, you know. I hope that everyone will forgive me, so that eventually I can forgive myself.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Rights And Wrongs

There have been a lot of 'wrongs' in my life lately, some big, some small, some I have mentioned  and some I haven't, for instance I spent £200 having hair extensions put in 2 weeks ago and I hate them, and have pulled nearly all of them out. Some of the 'wrongs' I cant talk about just now because they are still being resolved, and I need to work things out before I can write about them. The upshot is though, I am a bit afraid to try anything, because I am worried what will go wrong. Its a terrible place to be. I know a lot of my problem is rushing into things without a waiting period, its the low boredom business again, it makes me very impatient.

On Saturday I had an appointment scheduled for a new Tattoo. I have taken 12 YEARS to decide on a 2nd one, not exactly impetuous, but I was scared to go. Would I be ill, faint, throw up, would the tattoo artist balls it up, do it squint, go off on her own tangent? Yikes, this is what paranoia looks like.

It went 'right' though. The tattoo artist (link for the locals) was amazing, and thankfully, I love it.

So, does this mean the winds are changing? I hope so. I have a long list of things in my head which I need to put into place to make things 'right', but at least I know what the wrongs are now, maybe I can get through that list and settle into a happier more contented period.

The biggest asset to me right now is my family. They really do mean the whole world to me, and I love them dearly, secure in the knowledge that they love me back.

My little guy, he is most definitely a 'right'





Saturday, 23 July 2011

Brother Sewing Machine

For some strange reason, my little £50 sewing machine didnt survive the house move.  I tried a few times to make it go with no success. On Thursday I did my weekly trip around the shops, (Thursday instead of Friday this week), and since my sister was driving me home, I took advantage of the opportunity and picked up a new sewing machine. TJ Hughes is closing down and I managed to pick up a new Brother machine for a very reasonable price. And its FAB. I was having a bit of a rough day health wise yesterday, however I mustered the energy and enthusiasm to pull the new machine out of the box, and it sews amazingly well. Here are a couple of things I whipped off in the afternoon.
 100% linen trousers and felt incredibly nice. Oscar apparently agreed because he refused to take them off when I tried them on him to check the size. Hence the dodgy photo, he kept running away
And these I am calling 'Beach Trousers' because they are lightweight cotton (so not terribly warm), and they remind me of deckchair fabric.
Now all I need is beach weather to go with them.



Friday, 22 July 2011

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama


Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Getting Your Old Self Back

Last night was another one of those nights. The frequently difficult kind. Oscar woke yesterday at 6.30am, his Daddy's TWO alarm clocks woke him up prematurely. We had friends visit in the afternoon, his and mine, which was a lovely change for us, (hi L. I know you read the blog). After they left, Oscar ran up and down the garden a few times, then seriously flagged, and promply fell asleep, at 5.50pm. Cutting a long and seriously testing story short, he slept half an hour and then wouldnt go to sleep at bedtime,  until 10.45pm.

Needless to say, we are both quite tired today. I get tired easily, I always have done. I had a heart defect corrected as a child, and one of my main symptoms was tiredness. It never seemed to go away. I would be quite happy to nap every afternoon and take an early night every night. I dont get an afternoon nap often because I have a two year old who generally doesnt nap in the afternoon (he fights it all afternoon and then drops off just before dinner) and as for the early night, well, by the time Oscar eventually goes to sleep (the earliest being 8.30pm-ish), we tidy up, watch a bit of TV, chat about our days and sneak in a few lines of a book, Duncan and I rarely get to bed before midnight. I really want that to change. I think I would be a much nicer person with more sleep.

Anyway, a glimmer. I saw one this morning, even through my moody foggy brain drone, a glimmer of my former self. Not just pre- withdrawal from medication self, or pre ante-depressant self, or even pre baby self, but actually pre pregnancy self. It was like a door swung open for a second, I saw her standing there and recognised everything about her, just for a second, before the door slammed shut again.

Its a start though right? Now I know its accessible, I can figure out how to open the door and let her in for good.

Glimmer of Sun

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Peter Pan Play Park

Daddy and Oscar decided to take the high road, and ignore the weather. So while I finished a knitting project and took a lavender bath, they went to Neverland.

It;s s quite a park isn't it? And apparently you have it to yourself on rainy days, I guess its not all bad.







Monday, 18 July 2011

Skull Knitted Wristbands

Welcome to another gripe about the weather. Its a theme in blog land, but hey, no wonder. When its sunny we are running out as fast as we can

But it never lasts. Duncan is having a long weekend this weekend and its rained for the last 3 days.  I know its Scotland, but its July, even we Scot's expect a hint of summer in July.

Oh well, at least I have managed some indoor activities.

wrist bands for goth baby






Friday, 15 July 2011

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama


Thursday, 14 July 2011

Travel Sick Toddler

There were literally 2 occasions in the past when Oscar has been sick in someones car. Duncan had told me he got really travel sick as a boy. It's better he said, but he still cant travel too long, or sit rear facing on a bus or train.  Oscar has been sick 5 times since we moved here, on the 1 hour bumpy bus ride into or returning from the city. He has  looked pale and floppy at some point, every time we make the trip, even by car. He is too young for travel pills, which in my mind are for irregular travel anyway, holidays etc. We have the travel bands, but he has been sick wearing them, so not that effective then.

I now feel like mean mommy when I plan a trip any place involving the bus. I don't think its just distance, we are in beautiful rolling countryside (the gateway to the Glens its called), which means the buses are up and down and round and round. The drivers seem to always have their foot on the brake, I don't drive, but is that necessary?

We went to the city yesterday, but I managed to get a ride there and back. He was still peeky looking, but batteries for his bubble machine managed to ease off my guilt a bit (they don't have the size he needs in the whole of Kirriemuir, odd).  Oh yes, and 2 skull T-shirts, and a travel etch-a-sketch, and a pirate lunch bag. More fool me though, because every one of these things were dropped when he saw a snail in the front garden. I am teaching him the value of nature while showering him with material gifts, how very contrary of me, I bet I am not alone.




Still, the travel sickness, I wish I had known before we moved out to the sticks, I seriously didn't know.

Monday, 11 July 2011

An Edinburgh Wedding



Peter & Pauline


Saturday 9th July

In Edinburgh, Scotland





Sunday, 10 July 2011

Better Late Than Never

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama


Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Captain Hook

After being up so early yesterday, Oscar dropped off on the return buggy ride to the wool shop. He slept until lunch time which turned out well because we had the nursery tour at 1.30pm. The nursery is sort of just off our street. But our street is about 2 miles long. The first half of our street is a very steep incline, so when I reached the point where it levels off and begins to decline, I was very red in the face and quite puffed out. Oscar was in the buggy which was just as well because I probably would have had to drag him up the hill. The nursery was far enough along the straight and into the rural pathways that I had gained my composure by the time I rang the bell. It was extremely hot here yesterday, and since that is 'SO' rare, I dont think the walk will be too bad. The nursery supervisor I had spoken with on the phone had said a ten minute walk from my house to there. It took twenty, she obviously drives it.

The nursery seemed really good (apart from the £60 for 2 mornings a week thing), so we will have to think it over. Oscar wasnt keen to leave so I asked the supervisor if there was a good park around there, and there certainly was. We managed to find (along another country track), The Peter Pan Play Park and Oscar loved it. It was set in so much open space I was able to let him run free and have a wonderful time. After an hour or so, we spied a gate in a high wall and we were just about to investigate when an ice-cream van rolled up to the park, so we stopped for ice-cream first.

The gate, as it turned out led to the cemetery, and for goth baby , who knows what graves are thanks to Scooby Doo, he was in 7th heaven, so to speak.  The gardener couldn't keep the smirk of his face, when he saw Oscar running around shouting 'I see a scary monster and a skeleton, (big gasp), look Mummy', as he pointed off into some dark corner. The gardener was in his 20's with a shaved head and tattoo's, I dont know if an old Ned type would have found it so funny.

We discovered we could walk all the way down through the cemetery and get back to the town, so Oscar had a great time running up and down in a fantasy world of his making. He really is a unique little 2 year old.





Monday, 4 July 2011

Banana And Blueberry Muffins

All you Mama's who are regularly up at the crack of dawn may skip this post, its a whinge about a one off.

Oscar normally sleeps until at least 7.30am, normally after 8am actually, but today, after spending his first night in his own room (he has been with us so far), he decided to get up at 6.40am. The middle of the night almost! Ok, not quite, but when you aren't used to it, its quite a shock to the system.

So far today he has

Helped make some blueberry and banana muffins

Thanks to Kat find her here, for the link to the recipe here, and also for the muffin case teddy bear idea, I got mine here

He has also done the rounds in the garden, checking everything is just as he left it.

He has also had a chat with next doors cat

Rode his bike

And ate his muffins of course.

Me, I have had 2 cups of tea and day-dreamed about an extra 2 hours in bed. Oh yes and I also took reciept of a very nice package.

If you havent read this (to your children), I would highly reccomend it. My sister and I loved it when we were little.

** After yesterdays post (moan), Oscar and I are going for a nursery tour this afternoon. We can see what we think.






Sunday, 3 July 2011

Too Many Irons In The Fire?

You know the saying, 'Jack of all trades, master of none'? That's how I have been feeling about myself lately. I do so many things but I don't feel skilled in any way what so ever.

I knit, but I wouldn't say I was a 'good' knitter I just enjoy the relaxation of it, and the process. The end results are sometimes cute , but I am not a beautiful or skilled knitter.

I have recently started sewing, with some successful results here, but again and even more so, I am not skilled, although I have to cut myself a little slack here, I have had the sewing machine for a couple of months, but very little time to practice.

Then we have cooking. Well, cooking is my creative quick fix. I discovered a while ago that if I dont do something creative every day, I get moody and stroppy. On one such day I wandered into the kitchen with no particular plan but ended up making a lovely dinner and felt much better. I had created something from scratch, it was quite a revelation for me.  I am not a skilled cook or baker though, in fact some things dont turn out well at all (mostly on the baking side of things), but of course sometimes they do and they are very much appreciated,

And then we come to 'Art'. I am not sure how to describe it, drawing, painting, design. The things I studied for 5 years. My daughter asked me recently if it was difficult getting into art school, I studied here, and I would highly recommend it. It was difficult to get in, the standard is very high. And then I told her a truth I didnt like to admit, I wouldn't get in now, I am not good enough. I have let it slide for so long my skills are very rusty.  I can fix that though, cant I? If I start drawing every day again.

But that is key here I suppose. If I put in time and effort to all of these things, my level of competence should go up.

But then what about my most creative pursuit , mothering Oscar, the most precious thing in my life, created out of the love Duncan and I have for each other.  Oscar is a very demanding child. This is partly nature, partly nurture I think. Considering he is only 2 years old his speech and comprehension are far ahead of the normal range, and this in turn means he is able to demand attention and a high level of engagement.  This is an amazing thing to be part of but he is all consuming.  He very rarely plays by himself, although I have been trying to encourage it. Oscar is effectively an only child (his siblings being 22 and 20 years old), so he 'needs' my/us to play with him.  I had a nursery place booked for Oscar to commence in July, something I had mixed thoughts on, but felt one day a week was going to be good for both of us. The nursery is over 15 miles away from the new house so the place had to be cancelled. I just dont know whether to look for a local place or not. Part of me feels its my sole responsibility to nurture my creation through his early years. But then, I know I would be a better Mama given time to stretch and breath on my own. Duncan gives me free time, at the weekends, but Oscar is still in the vicinity and I dont fully switch off. I also feel weekends are 'family' time, not Mama locked away in another room time.

Any advice and suggestions welcomed.

Yesterday I pulled a sketchbook and some pencils from the unpacked pile and did some sketching. Oscar and Duncan were tidying/playing in the garden. I didn't feel TOO guilty.



Friday, 1 July 2011

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama