For My Dad

Dear Daddy,

I want to wish you a happy birthday, and to tell you that even although its been 30 months since you left us so unexpectedly, we still miss you so much every day.  Since your last birthday, I guess it has become a little easier to accept you are not here any more, but in some ways its more difficult because the time since I last saw you last is greater.

I marvel at how big Oscar is getting every day, but then I also remeber that you died just 3 weeks before he was born and sadly you never knew each other. It makes me laugh though, that I told you, if the baby was a boy he would be called Oscar Casey (Casey being one of your middle names), and you said that would make him OC and you would call him Ozzy, man.  It makes me remember your funny fondness for the wild man Ozzy Osbourne.

I don't mark the passing of your death in January Dad, because it seems wrong to me to commemorate a day such as that. But the last 2 years I have laid out flowers for you on Gran and Grandad'a grave because you dont have one yourself. It seemed appropriate since it is Grandad's birthday today too. I cant do that this year. Sunday bus services from here to the city being what they are, I am afraid I wont make it to the cemetery. Tonight after dinner, when the house is all quite I will light a candle for you and have a wee glass of something in your honour.

I am sure that would be ok with you, you liked a wee drink on your birthday.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you.

Your girl

Valerie

xxx

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Last night was a rough one, this helped though, what will they think up next snooze link

Our Favourite Children's Books

Oscar

I have mentioned it before, but its worth saying again, we are HUGH Shirley Hughes book fans in this house, and I suppose at this age, Oscar reads (or is read to), the books we choose. Make no mistake though, he is quite vocal about things he doesnt like, and he chooses his own bedtime story from his little 'library'. Here are the favorite Shirley Hughes books which we have read.



Annie Rose is My Little Sister

Shirley Hughes

Lucy and Tom at the Seaside (Picture Puffin)

by Shirley Hughes

Alfie's Feet

Shirley Hughes

Alfie and the Birthday Surprise

Shirley Hughes

Alfie Weather

Shirley Hughes

House Hunting At Home

Oscar and I took what is now known as the horror  ride (not to him, we are still trying to play it light and hope the travel sickness abates), into town, to see some potential properties. The pickings are slim, but I believe that's the same everywhere these days. One agent/owner didn't turn up at all, but he messaged to say he was a Judge or as they are called here in Scotland, or should I say, still, called here in Scotland, a Sheriff, and he was held up in court all day. Not sure I would want the sheriff as a landlord anyway.  I was totally depressed, which is my usual mood these days, mixed with stressed and panicked.

I bought a fast food lunch, a vegetarian one, but still, its not something I usually do, and tried to eat alfresco. No such luck. The pigeons were a flapping ratty nuisance, but when a seagull the size of a toddler showed up I scooped up a startled Oscar and made a break for it.  I may do a post on my fear of birds at another time.

Duncan cut out of work early to look at an unsuitable house with me and I became teary behind my sunglasses when the 3 people I thought may be able to give us a ride home turned out to be unavailable.

As I sat on the bus home, one eye on pale face (Oscar, and Duncan a bit actually), I was in real despair. Then  a funny thing happened, I saw us in a little period flat (apartment to any American blogger friends), in my most favorite part of the city (between the art school and the botanical gardens), and it suddenly seemed possible.  I expect there will be some talking behind my back and at the very least a few raised eyebrows if we move from a large house in a beautiful rural setting to a city flat. But that wouldn't be seeing it from my point of view. I just want to go home, and that isn't here.

When You've Made A Terrible Mistake

Well, isn't that a dramatic sky? It fits my current mood perfectly. I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a panic here lately and now I need to calm down and sort it out. Its all to do with this lovely house you see. The problem is, it isn't mine.

Oh on paper it is, my name is right there on the lease. But my things don't belong here, and I have been suspecting for the last week or so (grace period over), neither do I. I have spoken to Duncan and he is going to help me fix it. 'It' being, find a new house back in the city. Back in the 'cultural quarter' from hence we came. We lived there for 12 years. Then we moved to an estate (to have a garden and to be closer to my Mum), and then we moved here, a reactionary move from the estate.

Its frankly a mess. But the bottom line is, I cant stay here. I feel like I have had my holiday and its time to go home. My things look alien to me, the house isn't  'flowing' for me, and my child literally vomits every time I bring him home on the bus.

Turns out, I belong in the city. I have tried to like it here , really I have, but when you know, you know. I hope that everyone will forgive me, so that eventually I can forgive myself.

Rights And Wrongs

There have been a lot of 'wrongs' in my life lately, some big, some small, some I have mentioned  and some I haven't, for instance I spent £200 having hair extensions put in 2 weeks ago and I hate them, and have pulled nearly all of them out. Some of the 'wrongs' I cant talk about just now because they are still being resolved, and I need to work things out before I can write about them. The upshot is though, I am a bit afraid to try anything, because I am worried what will go wrong. Its a terrible place to be. I know a lot of my problem is rushing into things without a waiting period, its the low boredom business again, it makes me very impatient.

On Saturday I had an appointment scheduled for a new Tattoo. I have taken 12 YEARS to decide on a 2nd one, not exactly impetuous, but I was scared to go. Would I be ill, faint, throw up, would the tattoo artist balls it up, do it squint, go off on her own tangent? Yikes, this is what paranoia looks like.

It went 'right' though. The tattoo artist (link for the locals) was amazing, and thankfully, I love it.

So, does this mean the winds are changing? I hope so. I have a long list of things in my head which I need to put into place to make things 'right', but at least I know what the wrongs are now, maybe I can get through that list and settle into a happier more contented period.

The biggest asset to me right now is my family. They really do mean the whole world to me, and I love them dearly, secure in the knowledge that they love me back.

My little guy, he is most definitely a 'right'

Brother Sewing Machine

For some strange reason, my little £50 sewing machine didnt survive the house move.  I tried a few times to make it go with no success. On Thursday I did my weekly trip around the shops, (Thursday instead of Friday this week), and since my sister was driving me home, I took advantage of the opportunity and picked up a new sewing machine. TJ Hughes is closing down and I managed to pick up a new Brother machine for a very reasonable price. And its FAB. I was having a bit of a rough day health wise yesterday, however I mustered the energy and enthusiasm to pull the new machine out of the box, and it sews amazingly well. Here are a couple of things I whipped off in the afternoon.
 100% linen trousers and felt incredibly nice. Oscar apparently agreed because he refused to take them off when I tried them on him to check the size. Hence the dodgy photo, he kept running away
And these I am calling 'Beach Trousers' because they are lightweight cotton (so not terribly warm), and they remind me of deckchair fabric.
Now all I need is beach weather to go with them.

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama