Last night was another one of those nights. The frequently difficult kind. Oscar woke yesterday at 6.30am, his Daddy's TWO alarm clocks woke him up prematurely. We had friends visit in the afternoon, his and mine, which was a lovely change for us, (hi L. I know you read the blog). After they left, Oscar ran up and down the garden a few times, then seriously flagged, and promply fell asleep, at 5.50pm. Cutting a long and seriously testing story short, he slept half an hour and then wouldnt go to sleep at bedtime, until 10.45pm.
Needless to say, we are both quite tired today. I get tired easily, I always have done. I had a heart defect corrected as a child, and one of my main symptoms was tiredness. It never seemed to go away. I would be quite happy to nap every afternoon and take an early night every night. I dont get an afternoon nap often because I have a two year old who generally doesnt nap in the afternoon (he fights it all afternoon and then drops off just before dinner) and as for the early night, well, by the time Oscar eventually goes to sleep (the earliest being 8.30pm-ish), we tidy up, watch a bit of TV, chat about our days and sneak in a few lines of a book, Duncan and I rarely get to bed before midnight. I really want that to change. I think I would be a much nicer person with more sleep.
Anyway, a glimmer. I saw one this morning, even through my moody foggy brain drone, a glimmer of my former self. Not just pre- withdrawal from medication self, or pre ante-depressant self, or even pre baby self, but actually pre pregnancy self. It was like a door swung open for a second, I saw her standing there and recognised everything about her, just for a second, before the door slammed shut again.
Its a start though right? Now I know its accessible, I can figure out how to open the door and let her in for good.
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