Sunday, 3 July 2011

Too Many Irons In The Fire?

You know the saying, 'Jack of all trades, master of none'? That's how I have been feeling about myself lately. I do so many things but I don't feel skilled in any way what so ever.

I knit, but I wouldn't say I was a 'good' knitter I just enjoy the relaxation of it, and the process. The end results are sometimes cute , but I am not a beautiful or skilled knitter.

I have recently started sewing, with some successful results here, but again and even more so, I am not skilled, although I have to cut myself a little slack here, I have had the sewing machine for a couple of months, but very little time to practice.

Then we have cooking. Well, cooking is my creative quick fix. I discovered a while ago that if I dont do something creative every day, I get moody and stroppy. On one such day I wandered into the kitchen with no particular plan but ended up making a lovely dinner and felt much better. I had created something from scratch, it was quite a revelation for me.  I am not a skilled cook or baker though, in fact some things dont turn out well at all (mostly on the baking side of things), but of course sometimes they do and they are very much appreciated,

And then we come to 'Art'. I am not sure how to describe it, drawing, painting, design. The things I studied for 5 years. My daughter asked me recently if it was difficult getting into art school, I studied here, and I would highly recommend it. It was difficult to get in, the standard is very high. And then I told her a truth I didnt like to admit, I wouldn't get in now, I am not good enough. I have let it slide for so long my skills are very rusty.  I can fix that though, cant I? If I start drawing every day again.

But that is key here I suppose. If I put in time and effort to all of these things, my level of competence should go up.

But then what about my most creative pursuit , mothering Oscar, the most precious thing in my life, created out of the love Duncan and I have for each other.  Oscar is a very demanding child. This is partly nature, partly nurture I think. Considering he is only 2 years old his speech and comprehension are far ahead of the normal range, and this in turn means he is able to demand attention and a high level of engagement.  This is an amazing thing to be part of but he is all consuming.  He very rarely plays by himself, although I have been trying to encourage it. Oscar is effectively an only child (his siblings being 22 and 20 years old), so he 'needs' my/us to play with him.  I had a nursery place booked for Oscar to commence in July, something I had mixed thoughts on, but felt one day a week was going to be good for both of us. The nursery is over 15 miles away from the new house so the place had to be cancelled. I just dont know whether to look for a local place or not. Part of me feels its my sole responsibility to nurture my creation through his early years. But then, I know I would be a better Mama given time to stretch and breath on my own. Duncan gives me free time, at the weekends, but Oscar is still in the vicinity and I dont fully switch off. I also feel weekends are 'family' time, not Mama locked away in another room time.

Any advice and suggestions welcomed.

Yesterday I pulled a sketchbook and some pencils from the unpacked pile and did some sketching. Oscar and Duncan were tidying/playing in the garden. I didn't feel TOO guilty.



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