I am writing this post to lift the lid on miscarriage, baby-loss and the feelings that many women keep hidden. Do most people know that at 19 weeks pregnant like I was, its even possible to deliver a baby? Its not always a medical procedure/surgery. I want to help other parents in my situation by maybe answering some questions they dare-nt ask, and maybe help other people who haven't lost a baby be better informed to help someone else through it.
I read everything I could to prepare for this, and the more detailed the better. Thats not everyone's choice, but I have tried to be fairly detailled without being graphic. I dont mean to upset or offend anyone, please click away from this page if you think it might upset you.
Day 1 - Thursday
We arrived at EPAC (early pregnancy assessment clinic) at 10.30am as instructed. The midwife looked confused to see me and took me into a side room, saying I should have been in the day suite. We hadn't been told to go there. Actually she said, someone told her I had cancelled my treatment (um, no). She concluded that the someone was mixed up because I had been booked in for last week and had rescheduled for this week.
I was asked to wait for 15 minutes in the waiting room and was then shown in for a scan. The scan showed the same as last week, the sac had grown but the baby had not (no sign of life). There was also blood present this week (different from last week but the same as 2 weeks ago).
After that we waited for a short while (another 10 minutes or so), and then the midwife took us downstairs to the day suite. We were shown into a little dark corridor with chairs lined up outside and asked to wait. The door to the suite was security locked so even partners coming and going had to sit in the chairs and wait to be let in.
We waited there for 30 minutes (Duncan took Oscar off for a snack after 15 minutes and I waited alone). We were under the impression I would have a pill and go home. Had we known it would take so long we would have arranged a sitter for Oscar. Eventually another midwife came and took me in to a little room with 2 beds in it (each curtained). The room was clean and bright and the midwife put the TV on for me (the other bed was empty). Because I have had heart surgery, I needed a Doctor to sign me off for the treatment. The midwife explained the Doctor had been bleeped and shouldn't be too long. At 11.55am (about 30 minutes later), the midwife came back to say that the Doctor was held up and would'nt be there until 12.30pm, so I could go and find Duncan and get a cup of tea.
As we were coming out of the suite we bumped into my Aunt and Uncle, who knew that I was pregnant but not that the baby died. I am afraid I blurted it out, but Duncan said it wasn't that bad. I hate the thought of making anyone else feel bad. My Aunt hugged and kissed me when they left us, it was nice, not something we usually do on parting.
I went back to the day suite at 12.30pm, managing to avoid an old friend of Duncan's who waddled along the corridor before us, heavily pregnant (she didn't see us).
I was shown to a different room this time. Only one of the 3 lights were on/working, there were stacks of sanitary pads and bed pads in the corner alongside a row of gas and air canisters. I had to sit at the desk facing the wall with no TV this time. There was only 1 regular bed in this room, the other bed was one of those half beds with a section out for your bottom and stirrups attached. I couldn't stop looking at it and it was getting the better of me.
After 20 minutes the midwife came back and said the Doctor was still busy. She looked around the room and said 'come on, lets get you out of this room, its so depressing'. I agreed.
Back in the first room again, I tried to watch some TV (Four Weddings, or Loose Women seemed to be the best options, so not great). Eventually at 1.30pm (3 hours after we got there), the Doctor arrived. She went through my forms, said I didn't need antibiotic cover for my heart because antibiotics are routinely given anyway because the cervix will be open for delivery and at risk for infection, and that was that.
I eventually had my tablet at 1.50pm. I know the exact time because I had to make sure I wasn't sick before 3.50pm or I would have to come back for another tablet.
We were able to leave almost right away after that, and not a moment too soon. I asked what I needed to bring with me the next day. She said I would be in a gown but to bring my 'Bridget Jones knickers' (are there any other kind). And maybe a dressing gown and slippers. She paused for a moment then said, 'old slippers, there is quite often splattering'.
: :
Nothing much happened for the rest of the day. I began cramping when I got home but nothing too bad. I got into some old and comfy pyjamas and lay on the bed, blog reading, knitting, chatting to Duncan and Oscar when they popped in.
In the evening, the cramps were a little worse but not too bad and still no bleeding. We went to bed around 10pm and put an episode of 24 on Netflix. I thought I was fairly normal until I tried to go to the bathroom and discovered my head was spinning like crazy when I sat up. The tablet was doing something then.
Day 2 : Friday
I woke at 5am after about 4 hours sleep. Not the best considering the day we had ahead, but just as my mind would drift off to sleep again the reality of what was coming would jolt me wide awake.
I had to wake Oscar at 7.45 am, incredible, the child picks his days to sleep in does he not. My Mum had arrived to take care of Oscar (with Aimee), and I didnt want to go without saying goodbye to him.
We arrived at the day suite at 8.30am and this time we were ushered in fairly quickly. Nearly every staff member commented on how sorry they were for us the day before, having to wait so long.
We were shown to a private room this time with a bathroom en-suite (thank goodness), and the midwife talked me through the bathroom protocol. Everything was to go into the bedpan, except sanitary wear which was to go into a bag (for checking). I was given a gown (after 3 attempts at the right size) and asked to lie on the bed. I was then given a drug called Misoprosol (internally). Misoprosol causes uterine contractions and a thinning or effacing of the cervix. I was also given an antibiotic and a pain killer at the same time.
We had ascertained that the drugs took 2 hours on average to work and the 'labour' would be about 2 hours long. Although some people did have to endure full length labours, (I expect the number of weeks pregnant you are has some bearing on the this). I was told to stay lying flat for 30 minutes to allow the drugs to dissolve in-si-tu, after that I was encouraged to get up and walk around (just as in 'normal' labour). It was 9am when I had the drugs.
After about 1 hour had passed I was having mild cramps, but I suspected they were more bowel than uterine and I was right. 2 bedpans later (and how ridiculous to be embarrassed by it, but I was), and the cramps settled.
At about 11.30 -12 ish I started to feel very cold. This is unusual for me because my temp is usually higher than the average. After about 15 - 20 minutes of this I was shaking uncontrollably with the cold and my teeth were chattering. Duncan rang for the midwife and she came and said this was a reported side effect of the drugs (for some women). She left the room and returned a few moments later with a blanket and wrapped it round my shoulders. She took my temp and said it was up from earlier so it really was the drugs. I was still walking around the room at this point but ended up perched on the end of the bed.
Partners are not allowed to use any of the toilets in the suite and they have to leave the locked suite and go up a flight of stairs and into the main hospital. It was about 12.15pm by this time and Duncan had to use the toilet. I also wanted him to call Oscar/Aimee and check they were ok.
While Duncan was gone I had to lie on the bed on my side and hug the blanket. The shaking was coming in waves in time with increased uterine pain and I suspected this was it. I couldn't say it was the same as contractions at full term (although some people do say that it is for them), but it definitely had a rhythm and a build-peak-ebb.
When Duncan came back I stayed on my side wrapped with the blanket up to my chin and he held my hand. At 12.55pm I felt a pressure down below and I got off the bed and went to the bathroom. It was over in a few seconds and the baby came out inside the sac.
I asked Duncan to come to the bathroom. We had a good look at her and cried and hugged. I said, 'my poor little baby' and we rang for the midwife.
We had known what to expect but she was still bigger than we though she would be. I guess the hospital staff are cautiously conservative in their descriptions.
: :
It was a different midwife who came in this time and she started to introduce herself and then she saw our faces (I think I was sobbing). She asked if there was something in the bathroom for her to take away and I nodded.
We were left alone for an hour after that and eventually I had some soup and the shaking stopped and I began to warm up.
There was very little bleeding before during or after the delivery, and it surprised me. I had been led to believe it would be like a torrent. Every pregnancy and every woman is different.
At about 2.30pm a lovely midwife, who had been in and out in the day, came to talk to us about the baby. The policy at our hospital is to take the baby to the mortuary (in a little white card box), and have him/her booked in. The baby would stay in the mortuary until a cremation is done. The babies are cremated as a group and a minister says a blessing. The way this was described to us was very tender and we felt happy that our hospital took such good care of the babies who's parents felt unable to do so.
We didn't want to leave it to someone else though, and although I had no specific objection to a group cremation (the babies would all have each other?), we wanted to bring her home.
The midwife had us confirm this a few times, then she went to talk to the unit manager. She was only gone about 10 minutes and she confirmed that it was perfectly fine to bring her home.
I have to say, she was a very lovely lady and she listened to my babbles about being perceived as over dramatic but still not wanting to walk out without my baby. At the end of the day, what we decided to do at that moment couldn't be undone later so we had to make the right decision based on our feelings at the time.
I was able to get dressed after that, and although I felt really drained and quite wobbly I was otherwise ok.
The midwife came in and said 'the little one is in a small white box (not coffin shaped, but not like a shoe box either), is that ok?' We said yes and she asked if it was ok for her to bring her in to us. We said it was.
When she brought the box in I sat it gently in the top of my bag and zipped it up. With the bag straps over my shoulder I could feel the box under my arm. I knew it was ok, not squashed and still upright, (I carried her home in the taxi like that).
I was given some more antibiotics and we were free to go. Duncan and I both agreed that walking away without her at that point would have been too difficult for us, although I appreciate its not for everyone, and I am in no way judging anyone else's choices. If you know me, you would know I am just not like that.
I would like to thank Sarah, Michele, Debbie, Becky and Jeanette who have shared their loss, I know how hard it is. But also I know how hard it is to say nothing. xxx
Valerie
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