Saturday 19 May 2012

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Before Ellie Rose died, and I know that for sure because we had an ultrasound after, I had a dream. In the dream Duncan and I were walking through our town centre. The town centre has been hugely modernised lately, but in the dream it was the town centre of my childhood. It looked exactly as it did in the 1970s.  I was carrying our baby in my arms in the dream, I don't know if she was dead or alive, but she was wrapped in a hospital towel instead of a blanket. Duncan was walking ahead and making me hurry because he was late for work and stressing about it. I kept saying we had to find a shop to buy the baby a blanket because she was born too soon and we didn't even have a blanket to wrap her in. (yes the baby was a 'she' in the dream).


For the rest of my life I will never know if my body had sent my mind a signal of what was unfolding, or if this was a natural pregnancy anxiety dream. Some days I wonder if I will find out the answer after my life.


I cast on a pure wool blanket a few days later and kept it safely for the baby. I figured that since she was ok (heart beating at the ultrasound following the dream), I was being silly making it so early.


When we brought Ellie home she was in a little white box. When we went to bed on the first night Duncan wrapped the box in the blanket and brought her to our bedroom.


That's all I have to say about it really.


Valerie


xxx


 

There are tiny footprints
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all these tiny footprints
are found within your heart.
Even though I'm gone now
We'll never truly part.


 


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