I have been finding it more and more difficult to keep these very private events out of the spotlight. It is all we can think about right now, and while blogging about hats is lovely, its very far from the whole picture.
This may be a difficult post for some people so I would mark it ** SENSITIVE**
There is no happy ending, its an on-going issue.
WEEK 4 Sunday 11th March 2012
Hardly there, but so very definitely there. I had a positive pregnancy test yesterday, and another positive test today. Yesterday, I met Duncan in the hall and whispered 'I'm pregnant', a big silly grin all over my face. We have been here before of course, but when I lost the baby(s), we swept it under the carpet. The pressure has built though, and this time, whether my little baby bean sticks or not, I want some sort of record of my feelings, an acknowledgement that this is happening, I am not barren, my body holds a baby (for how long? we shall see).
I have been having mild crampy pulling sensations on and off since ovulation, it worries me, but I do remember having the same thing with Oscar, who as you know, turned out perfectly well. Yesterday I had to leave the room when Oscar pooped in the potty (not something I usually do). Other than that, the nausea is very mild, I am not holding my breath though. In one way I want it to get worse because it means my pregnancy hormones are increasing, on the other hand, 6 months of sickness? I would be happy to miss out on that this time.
Week 4 + 3day Wed 14th March
Siiiiiiiiiick, exacerbated by Aimee's toast smell and a big splatter poo in the potty from Oscar (yak yak). Having mint tea, going to lie on sofa for an hour then try and go out for a wee while, hopefully the bus ride wont be BAD.
5 Weeks - 18th March 2012
Still sick, there seems to be a 1 hour after food thing when I feel really nauseous, then it slowly passes. My boobs are still tender but much more so in the evenings than the days. I had to see my GP 2 days ago because my medication was due to run out and I needed to discuss coming off it. Everything seems to be going well. Still a bit niggly but much less than before, so I am hoping it was down to implantation. I have my midwife booking-in next Thursday, that is very exciting.
Sunday 25th March - Week 6
This week I saw my midwife for 'booking in'. Oscar was in a really grumpy mood and rolled around the floor crying, making it almost impossible to talk properly. We decided to do the bloods next week when I am 6+4 as opposed to 5+4 this week. The midwife told me I would have an early scan at 10 weeks and although I thought it would be earlier than this, I didnt argue about it. The next day an appointment for a scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit came in the post asking me to come next Thursday (the same day as the bloods). I guess someone decided to make it earlier after all. So, 4 days until we see if there is a little heart beating in there.
I had one full day of no sickness which made me worried enough to do another test, (which of course was positive). I need not have worried too much, because the next 2 days were VERY sicky days. Despite feeling really rough, it made me happy too. What a weird process pregnancy really is.
Thursday 29th March 2011
I didn't sleep well last night, partly due to Oscar having a bad dream which kept him awake for over an hour and partly due to my fear of my scan today. I have been having right sided pain for 2 days now, and while logically I know it feels a bit like a pulled muscle, I also know that the incidence of ectopic pregnancy for people having had the surgery I had, is quite high. To make matters worse I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting last night too. Again, I know it is probably nothing to worry about, but in the wee small hours, the imagination of a pregnant woman with several miscarriages in her past, runs riot.
It is 8.45am, my midwife appointment for bloods is at 11.15am and my hospital appointment for a scan is at 3pm. It is going to be a long day. I hope I can put a scan picture of my baby up here later.
Friday 30th April - 6 Weeks/6 Days
I don't have a scan photo to show, because things are not looking good for this little baby. We spent 3 hours in the hospital yesterday during which time I was scanned twice. It is all very confusing, but the basic information is that a sac with a small 'matter' and a fetal pole was visible (MORE INFO ON THAT HERE). There was no 'movement' inside. On the outside of the sac, my uterus is filled with blood. After asking for explanations many times, I was told the blood is from me, (possibly implantation failure), and it may be a miscarriage yet to happen. I cried in every room we were shown to (the midwives room, the counselling room, the bereavement room, the scan room and back to the midwives room again). At first I thought the baby had died and we were waiting on a natural end or discussing an extraction. Then the midwife said, 'we don't want to rush to theatre with you too soon, because there is a tiny chance this baby is still going to make it'. I was fairly stunned and it must have shown because she then said she knew I was protecting myself by thinking the worst but it wasn't over yet.
They couldn't find any reason for the right sided pain, but I don't know if that is good or bad.
So, we wait. The consultant, who we didn't see, (he communicated with the midwife by phone!), suggested coming back for another scan in 2 weeks. The midwife said that was only his suggestion and she would suggest a week (because 2 is too long for us to wait). We have an appointment for next Thursday. In the meantime, I have had blood taken for hormone level testing and depending on the results I may have to go back to the hospital for a repeat. Also, we were told I may start bleeding (very heavily), in which case I was to come straight to hospital.
Neither Duncan nor I quite know what to say about it yet.
Saturday 31st March - 6wks + 6Days
The midwife phoned yesterday to say my HCG (pregnancy hormones), levels were just over 2000. This is a sign the pregnancy could be normal (or was normal at some point). I spent the day trying to nurture a small amount of hope that this would sort itself out and the baby will be fine.
Late last night I started spotting and the right sided pain increased. This morning I am cramping like a period and spotting. It's not looking good.
Week 7 - Sunday 1st April 2012
I have been bleeding continually since yesterday. Its not heavy though, less than a period but more than spots. What does it mean? I don't know. After 4 days of nothing, the morning sickness is back today (wishful thinking / imagination?). Resting, waiting, watching, hoping, despairing.
Wednesday 4th April - 7wks + 3 Days
Bleeding and cramping today after 2 days of no bleeding but bad nausea instead. I was just wondering if the weekend past was just a blip in an otherwise ok pregnancy. Now I don't think that.
Scan tomorrow, we should know one way or another for sure. I hope this torture is nearly over. I have re-washed some nightgowns, a dressing gown, underwear, and slippers. I never thought I would need a hospital bag at 7 weeks, but I just might.
Today - 5th April 2012 - 7weeks + 4 days
I am still bleeding a bit and the cramping has been awful (not worse than period pains, about the same). We went for the scan with a tinge of sadness and a good deal of fear. I told the midwife the ups and downs of the week and she looked grim and said, alright love lets get an answer.
And there it was, a tiny little baby, grown from last week and a tiny little fluttering heart beat. The blood seemed to be gone too (is that why I am bleeding? no-one knows). There was no visible reason for the cramps, or blood, but they are very real (I am in a fair bit of discomfort right now). I am to rest rest rest and go back next Thursday and repeat the whole process over again.
An ongoing situation, but good news for today at least. I am still in shock. Say a prayer for us.